January 2009 Archives

Getting married the second time around--in my late 30s--was an entirely different experience than my first trip down the aisle at the tender age of 24. Back then I thought I knew what I was doing. I didn't. Thought I knew what I was getting. I didn't. Thought I knew what I needed. I didn't. By the time I finally accepted the fact that my first marriage was broken--after two children, three rounds of marital counseling and countless efforts over more than a decade to fix the unfixable--I was disillusioned, unhappy and doubtful about my future. 

Then I met Earl. 

We had an instant connection, and I don't mean a physical one. We clicked mentally, establishing an easy, comfortable rapport like nothing I'd ever experienced. I met Earl after a red-eye flight from Los Angeles to New Jersey. He walked up to me at the baggage carousel at Newark International Airport and asked if I was an author and if we'd met at Book Expo, a national book conference. 

Under other circumstances, I might have dismissed his questions as a come-on. As it turns out, I had, in fact, just returned from Book Expo, where I was promoting my first book. Moreover, a trusted associate had referred me to Earl, advising me that he owned a book-consulting company and could help me in my efforts. So even though I answered, "No, we've never met," I was pleasantly surprised when he extended his hand and introduced himself. I replied: Oh! You're Earl Cox!" and then proceeded to explain our common associate. 

I was immediately taken with his wit and positive energy, his business acumen and his creativity. But most of all, I was struck by his beautiful way of expressing himself--a communication style that both commands respect and also lets you know he's really listening.  

That night we talked for nearly three hours, and Earl wound up driving me home, the first and only time in my life I'd taken a ride from a stranger. Ironically, "home" at that time was the house I shared with my soon-to-be ex-husband. My former spouse assumed, as he often did, that I would catch a cab from the airport. That was 2003.

More than a month after we met, I hired Earl as a consultant. A business relationship grew into a wonderful friendship, and that blossomed into the loving, lifelong partnership we now enjoy. My marriage this time, simply put, is a blessing. 

In fact, we both felt so fortunate to have found love the second time around that we picked a lucky date to get married: 7-7-7 (July 7, 2007). 

Earl enriches my life in so many ways. We're business partners, passionate lovers and always each other's biggest champions. He is the best friend I've ever had, the first person I want to share good and bad news with and my=2 0most trusted confidante. I'm constantly amazed at the level of intimacy that comes with each passing year. Nothing makes me happier than to see him happy. His joy is my joy, his pain and worries my own. 

I love that Earl is old school and traditional; he doesn't hesitate to open my car door or lay down the law when the kids act up. But at the same time, he's very progressive, tolerant and open, particularly when it comes to supporting me as a wife, mother and career woman. He does more than his fair share in our household and thinks nothing of making the kids lunch for school, handling the laundry or taking our 2-year-old, Alexis, to the dentist or doctor. 

With Earl, I've come to understand that love truly is a verb. It's the everyday actions which show your partner how much he or she is cherished. This time, I know my marriage will last forever because I knew full well what I needed. Earl puts me at the center of his universe and he's at the center of mine. We travel together. We work hard together. And we get in a healthy mix of fun time and pleasure. 

Though some people warn about the dangers of "mixing business with pleasure," working together has strengthened our lives. As a result, we find it hard to be apart. In the rare case I take a business trip without Earl, he makes a point to be at the airport waiting for me. < /div>

"For anyone with jubbily bits, I'm going to tighten you up, make you laugh and enjoy your workout no matter what level of fitness you are," says Mel B, the former Spice Girl whose body is a walking advertisement for her new 28-day, stay-in-shape plan in the three DVD set "Totally Fit." 

Disc 1: You get a 60-minute workout broken into two 30-minute sessions. The cardio portion is an aerobic workout to pumping dance tracks that burns fat, increases heart rates and promotes overall fitness. The second session is an up-tempo resistance workout that uses everyday objects to help tone and trim the body.

Disc 2: Mel B provides four routines in 10-minute workouts that target problem areas--"bums, tums, legs and arms." A "Chill Out" session provides a well-deserved, post-workout reward.

Disc 3: The last disc tracks Mel's eating habits during a typical day--from breakfast and snacking at the office to lunch and eating out. She dispenses helpful advice and tips on nutrition, including her own secret recipes and snacks for getting faster and longer-lasting results.

A: By paying your mortgage every two weeks, you have made a great investment in your home and credit score. This strategy adds one payment more per year, which doesn't seem like a lot, but the savings are substantial over the long haul. Sending money every two weeks pays off your mortgage in 23 years instead of 30. Also, by setting up electronic payments from your account to your mortgage holder, you can reduce mail delays and attack your principal balance a few days sooner.

But all mortgages don't work the same. If you have an adjustable loan, don't just pay the minimum amount. Some loans have a negative amortization feature that lets you pay less than the standard payment and then your principle increases. You end up owing more each month instead of less!

So check the payment coupon carefully. Make sure you pay at least the payment, which fully amortizes the loan. Check out the mortgage calculator at business.com or mortgagefreesocal.com.

I know these are hard economic times, but this is "home economics;" your home is an investment for the long term. You might need to downsize your spending plan. Track your spending and make some layoffs. Your goal is not to run your home like a non-profit. You are the CEO of your financial future, and if you keep paying your house payments bi-weekly, it will be a profitable move.

--Gail Perry-Mason

Relationship-building junkets like the cocktail reception and deal-making dinner are not going away. And who wants them to? Our instinctive appreciation of free food and drink is among our most powerful biological responses. The food is important: It communicates hospitality, articulates values and status, and eliminates at least one physiological barrier to concentrating on business.

But it's easy to get so focused on the fun and finger food that you forget the deeper reason you're there: to make career-flourishing connections. "Many people have lost ground on their career track based on Christmas parties," says Doris Young Boyer of Young Boyer Associates in Maplewood, New Jersey, a protocol consultant whose site, etiquettestrategist.com, and workshops at Columbia University explore how manners can be a competitive advantage. Employing a few best practices may mean the difference between working the room and working nerves.

Eyes on the prize. You prepare for business meetings; the same principles apply here. Sustain the habit of determining details such as event significance, location and directions, fees (for parking or coat check), dress codes and possible attendees. Young Boyer suggests that social agility should be a key objective in your professional development, whether that means conferring with mentors or colleagues about corporate cultural context, hiring an adviser or examining a book on the subject. 

Years ago, Young Boyer did the latter before a dinner with a company she had joined only six months earlier. On the book's advice, she set a goal: to sit next to the company chairman during the meal. Throughout the evening, she used what she'd read and found herself seated just where she'd planned. "I was scared to death, and I was the only junior person at a table of20people who knew how to follow the chairman around. When I got there, I was quiet; it was time to learn." 

Don't go hungry. Because eating is a basic need, your reptilian brain may kick in without warning when presented with appealing dishes. Young Boyer advises taking the edge off your appetite with a pre-gathering snack. "You're not there to eat. Food is an accessory. Don't put so much on your plate that you call attention to yourself, that you can't shake a hand or talk to someone. If you're that hungry, go off to the side, take care of yourself and then come back to the party." 

Nix--or nurse--alcoholic drinks. No matter how well you think you can hold your liquor, that second  Mojito may sedate your best judgment. And don't be fooled by the boss' apparent good humor: It's unlikely that witnessing your buzz will impress her. "Let the alcohol go," Young Boyer says. "Business is the higher goal." She suggests ordering a decoy beverage such as water with a twist, nursing a single drink or stating your preference for something non-alcoholic.

You never know who's watching. "People notice what you do, how you carry yourself. You always want to be as much in control of that as you can," Young Boyer says. "There are people who seem to handle things well. Watch what they'r e doing" and adapt what works to your own personality and circumstances. 

The event's setting, service and other attendees may offer useful messages. Make a deliberate effort to seek out people who might not be part of your usual circle. "It's important when you're networking or at a dinner not to stay with the same group all night," Young Boyer says. "Move out of your comfort zone."

Respect physical and personal space. Arms length is standard," she says. If you're being touched in an intrusive way, Young Boyer suggests gently moving out of range or offering a polite deflection, but never simply enduring it, no matter who the instigator might be. 

Equipping yourself with social sophistication and dexterity can distinguish you from your peers, especially when food, drink or a relaxed setting seem to invite self-indulgence. "There is power to being charming, to being kind and prepared." Young Boyer says. "As African Americans, we've always known that we have to know the rules even when others don't. Know them not just as a way of surviving and getting in the door, but as strategies to thrive."

--M.C. Tapera 

The telephone rings as an unidentifiable phone number pops up on the caller ID. After some inner wrangling, you pick up with a cautious, "Hello."  There's a moment of silence before a representative from a banking institution offers the deal: For $12.99 a month, you can have the safety of a fraud monitoring service that can protect you from being the next victim of identity theft, with a free credit report to boot. Sound familiar? It should. Companies are offering consumers these types of services by phone, by mail and through television advertisements for hundreds of dollars a year with the promise of big savings if victimized. But are they worth it?  Besides the peace of mind factor, many experts seem to think there are better options--for less.

"They really aren't doing anything extra that you can't do yourself," says Tanja L. Darrow, an attorney with Littler Mendelson in Los Angeles.

Sure, you could pay for a basic credit monitoring service to detect if someone is trying to open a new account in your name.  Or you could be proactive, monitor your own credit and add a free fraud alert to your credit report.  That way, creditors should contact you before issuing any new credit in your name.  A fraud alert is good for 90 days and can be extended if needed.

But if there are  "serious, serious" concerns regarding one's credit being tapped illegally, "you could put a credit freeze on your account," adds Darrow of this security option restricting access to credit reports and is free for identity theft victims, but otherwise costs $10.

In the end, any fraud monitoring service claiming it can protect from identity theft is making false promises.  But if trying one out is the only way to bring a sigh of relief, make sure to do your homework. Google to find out service pros and cons, and check with the Better Business Bureau for complaint listings that may help in the decision-making process, advises Linda Foley, founder of the Identity Theft Resource Center in San Diego.  "If you have a lot of discretionary money and you want to do that, and it gives you a sense of peace, do some shopping around," says Foley, but "all have their limitations."

When it comes to strengthening the immune system, people would do better to think in terms of overall quality of life rather than specific steps to take. According to some physicians, improving one's ability to fight off colds can have as much to do with being kind as it does with eating good foods.

The immune system is a complex network that protects the body from relatively simple infections, such as influenza, and more serious illnesses, such as cancer. It's not something that "you can simply build up at will," says Michael Foggs, M.D., chief of allergy, asthma and immunology for Chicago-based Advocate Health Centers. 

At the most basic level, he concedes, improving the immune system means eating properly, getting plenty of rest and avoiding toxins. "Not processed food, but food loaded with antioxidants--fruits and organic vegetables." 

Non-restorative rest or inadequate sleep can lead to physiological imbalances that affect your body's ability to fight infection. Stress weakens the system, causing hormonal imbalances. 

As for toxins, Dr. Foggs says that beyond known outdoor pollutants, a host of synthetic materials found indoors can build up in the body. Paint, carpet linings and bioaerosols often can be more harmful, he says, than some outdoor pollutants. Not all indiv iduals will have the same response to such elements. He says, however, that those suffering regularly from red watery eyes, headaches, itching and respiratory distress need to inspect their indoor environment carefully.

Many people fight toxins with a homeopathic approach. Echinacea, for example, has been said to decrease the prevalence and severity of colds. Dr. Foggs, who says medical science disputes this claim, cautions against believing that all homeopathic formulations or treatments can do the trick "without official evidence to prove their validity based on randomized controlled clinical trials."

Still, there's something to be said for living cleanly and well. Robert Anderson, Ph.D., founder and executive director of the American Board of Integrative Holistic Medicine based in Washington state, encourages patients to lower their stress levels--a major factor in compromised immune systems according to conventional and homeopathic practitioners --through, among other things, exercise, meditation and touch. Anderson also espouses thinking of others.

"Volunteers in a study at Harvard watched a 30-minute video showing the work of Mother Teresa. Their salivary [immunoglobulin A (IgA)] levels increased significantly after viewing the film," Anderson says. "Levels increased even in volunteers who had a negative feeling about the film. It seems even viewing altruism improves our immune defenses." IgA is a chief antibody tha t protects against infections.

A common manifestation of immune system disease is asthma. Dr. Foggs, who co-authored the most recent National Institutes of Health "Expert 3 Panel: Guidelines for the Diagnosis and Management of Asthma," says across ethnic groups, young boys present more of this respiratory disease than girls. By puberty, however, girls' rates are higher. And it manifests in black women at higher rates than any other ethnic minority. 

Acknowledging environmental and genetic factors in how your body responds to attacks, Dr. Foggs and Anderson encourage people to simply take care of themselves as the best defense. It's the one method over which you have the most control.

--Monette Austin Bailey

Joyner-Kersee has managed to live quite the life with asthma. Considered one of the greatest athletes of all time, she was the first woman to win back-to-back Olympic gold medals in the heptathlon, the grueling seven-discipline event. 

"I always took preventive measures to prevent an attack," says Joyner-Kersee. "Sometimes there were circumstances I had no control over, like changes in climate or altitude, but this is where the controlling part of it comes into play." 

Now retired from competition, Joyner-Kersee, 46, is on a crusade to educate people about the disease, particularly the importance of getting a flu shot. This year, more than more than 36,000 people will die from influenza, according to the Centers for Disease Co ntrol and Prevention. 

To help bolster her role as an advocate for asthmatics and athletes nationwide, Joyner-Kersee has joined forces with the Medco Tour of Champions, which is designed to educate and empower Americans to become champions of their health by managing chronic conditions. The campaign team consists of six gold medalist athletes, including Bob Beamon (diabetes), Peggy Fleming (breast cancer ) and Greg Louganis (HIV).

"Some people confuse being out of shape with an asthmatic condition," Joyner-Kersee says. "They have to learn the difference between the body not being able to put the mileage in you want and a full-blown asthma attack." Which is why the flu shot is so important. The American Lung Asso­ci­ation says only 8 percent of people with asthma get a flu shot. (If every asthmatic got the shot, 100,000 hospital visits could be prevented a year.)

Joyner-Kersee relies on different medications to control her asthma and consults with a specialist. And she stays busy as a motivational speaker and with her Jackie Joyner-Kersee Foundation (jackiejoyner-kerseefoundation.org). A motivational book and an apparel line for girls are in the works. "Who says you can't be an athlete and have an active lifestyle with asthma? I have taken athletics to the highest level. I know it can be done."