Party Politics

Relationship-building junkets like the cocktail reception and deal-making dinner are not going away. And who wants them to? Our instinctive appreciation of free food and drink is among our most powerful biological responses. The food is important: It communicates hospitality, articulates values and status, and eliminates at least one physiological barrier to concentrating on business.

But it's easy to get so focused on the fun and finger food that you forget the deeper reason you're there: to make career-flourishing connections. "Many people have lost ground on their career track based on Christmas parties," says Doris Young Boyer of Young Boyer Associates in Maplewood, New Jersey, a protocol consultant whose site, etiquettestrategist.com, and workshops at Columbia University explore how manners can be a competitive advantage. Employing a few best practices may mean the difference between working the room and working nerves.

Eyes on the prize. You prepare for business meetings; the same principles apply here. Sustain the habit of determining details such as event significance, location and directions, fees (for parking or coat check), dress codes and possible attendees. Young Boyer suggests that social agility should be a key objective in your professional development, whether that means conferring with mentors or colleagues about corporate cultural context, hiring an adviser or examining a book on the subject. 

Years ago, Young Boyer did the latter before a dinner with a company she had joined only six months earlier. On the book's advice, she set a goal: to sit next to the company chairman during the meal. Throughout the evening, she used what she'd read and found herself seated just where she'd planned. "I was scared to death, and I was the only junior person at a table of20people who knew how to follow the chairman around. When I got there, I was quiet; it was time to learn." 

Don't go hungry. Because eating is a basic need, your reptilian brain may kick in without warning when presented with appealing dishes. Young Boyer advises taking the edge off your appetite with a pre-gathering snack. "You're not there to eat. Food is an accessory. Don't put so much on your plate that you call attention to yourself, that you can't shake a hand or talk to someone. If you're that hungry, go off to the side, take care of yourself and then come back to the party." 

Nix--or nurse--alcoholic drinks. No matter how well you think you can hold your liquor, that second  Mojito may sedate your best judgment. And don't be fooled by the boss' apparent good humor: It's unlikely that witnessing your buzz will impress her. "Let the alcohol go," Young Boyer says. "Business is the higher goal." She suggests ordering a decoy beverage such as water with a twist, nursing a single drink or stating your preference for something non-alcoholic.

You never know who's watching. "People notice what you do, how you carry yourself. You always want to be as much in control of that as you can," Young Boyer says. "There are people who seem to handle things well. Watch what they'r e doing" and adapt what works to your own personality and circumstances. 

The event's setting, service and other attendees may offer useful messages. Make a deliberate effort to seek out people who might not be part of your usual circle. "It's important when you're networking or at a dinner not to stay with the same group all night," Young Boyer says. "Move out of your comfort zone."

Respect physical and personal space. Arms length is standard," she says. If you're being touched in an intrusive way, Young Boyer suggests gently moving out of range or offering a polite deflection, but never simply enduring it, no matter who the instigator might be. 

Equipping yourself with social sophistication and dexterity can distinguish you from your peers, especially when food, drink or a relaxed setting seem to invite self-indulgence. "There is power to being charming, to being kind and prepared." Young Boyer says. "As African Americans, we've always known that we have to know the rules even when others don't. Know them not just as a way of surviving and getting in the door, but as strategies to thrive."

--M.C. Tapera